Oh anxiety, why are you so cruel??! Yesterday I bounced out of bed and hit the ground running. I was so productive! I did dishes and laundry, made bread and homemade pizza. I pounded out TWO blog posts, did some kitchen witchery AND took a ton of pictures. I went to bed and had a nice deep sleep. This morning came and it’s like a whole different person rolled out of bed. That is once I was able to find the energy to roll out of bed. It seems like my get up and go, got up and went.
Today I have no energy, none, zero, and no motivation. I did a load of dishes and made the bed but I haven’t been able to find the fortitude to do anything else. Since then I have spent the day watching TV and laying with my dog on her bed while I cry. You might be tempted to ask “what is the matter?” or “what changed?” but you might as well ask how many angels can dance on the head of pin. The sad truth is there isn’t an answer. Nothing changed and everything changed. There is simply something wrong with my brain and sometimes the wiring short circuits. Some days I just don’t have any interest in anything. I am restless, my skin crawls. I cry for no reason at all or I turn my brain off altogether. Maybe something little hurts my feelings or make me disproportionately mad. Other times I might get super obsessive about something trivial. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to how my brain will misfire, the only guarantee is that
at some point it will.
The good news is that it is happening with less frequency. This time last year I could literally not even leave my bed. Further to that, I am surrounded by friends and family who understand what is going on and offer me unconditional love and support. Because of this love I feel free to talk openly and honestly about my issues. With 100% certainty I can tell you that talking about it makes me feel better. Today will pass, better days are coming. That gives me hope and hope is the most important thing in the world.