When I am struggling with my mental health, when I am tired and only want to stay in bed; when I am trying to put on a very brave face and smile for everyone else; when all my spoons have been all used up… finding the energy to write here is hard.
I have so much to say, so much bottled down but it’s hard to sit down at a computer and try to explain the deep gory mess that is the inside of my brain. I know that if I sit down and try to put words to it, I might start to understand it better myself. But how do I do that without sounding like I am whinging or feeling sorry for myself?
What many people don’t understand about depression is that it’s not just feeling sad. It is much much more complex than that.
Depression is …
- Over eating or not eating enough
- Trouble concentrating or making decisions, even little easy one
- Irritability and feeling restless
- Insomnia or sleeping far too much
- Negative thoughts cycling around and around and around
- Loss of things that you have enjoyed doing, like say blogging
- General fatigue and body aches
- Lack of motivation
- Feeling empty, untethered, deep ennui
- Sometimes suicidal thoughts, or at least feeling like the universe and the life of those you love would be better without you in it
On any given day I can go from feeling totally fine and normal, energetic and enthusiastic to feeling any and all the things above. It can happen in a flash, it happens without me knowing. It happens if I get too hot, it happens if I stub by toe. It happens if someone I love criticizes me or doesn’t pay attention to me. It happens for no reason, it happens because my brain is broken. I can take medication, I can eat well, I can do my best every day but I can’t stop it from happening. That’s just who I am.