Well the tagline of my blog IS The diaries of a clinically depressed, polyamorous, housewife and you have been very patient. I know some of you have been waiting for a little information about my relationship status.
I am on an adventure. Almost nothing about my adult life has turned out as I expected or planned. In some ways this is very frustrating and forces me to ask the point of even having expectations or plans. While simultaneously I am elated because in many ways things are SO much better than I could have predicted. I know that probably sounds weird after I have shared with you about my struggles with anxiety and depression; however I am like a phoenix and my best self is rising from the ashes. This is in no small part due to the support of BOTH my partners.
Before we get into MY personal life let’s take a quick, not even remotely comprehensive, look at what polyamory is and more importantly what it is not.
Polyamory is NOT swinging, group sex, sleeping around; it’s not a kink or fetish and it is NOT cheating. That is not to say that poly folks can’t and don’t do those things but no more or less than monogamous folks. Polyamory is, from the Greek poly, “many, several”, and Latin amor, “love” Thank you Wikipedia!!
Let me reiterate once again for anyone who didn’t catch it the first time. What I do is NOT cheating. My husband knows exactly where I am and who I am with. He is my best friend and my sounding board. If I couldn’t talk to him about my boyfriend I simply could not do this. Cheating is anathema to me. I am revolted by it. I don’t like secrets and I don’t keep them from either of my fellas.
Like almost everyone I know, I was raised in family of monogamous people. Unfortunately my parents were TERRIBLE at monogamy. My mother was married three times and had a least one extra marital affair that I am aware of. My Dad had four marriages with three women and had LOTS of extramarital relationships. Even so I grew up believing someday I would find that one person, that he would be everything I ever needed. I also believed if I just wanted it enough, that if I worked hard enough, that if he just loved me enough, then we would find our perfectly happily ever after. I believed that with all my heart. I believed it so much that I blew up countless relationships because I thought that they were wrong or broken. Worse I thought it meant that I was wrong or broken whenever I would feel even the smallest tug of attraction towards someone else.
I have a great relationship with my husband. We were friends for a very long time before he was ever my Sweet Babboo. As a result ours has always been a relationship that was comfortable, predictable and safe. Please don’t conflate that with boring, because that could’t be further than the truth. The safety and security of our relationship has given us the time, space and resources to grow as people, together and individually. I love knowing that there is a person out there who has my back no matter what; who is invested in my well being; who will always keep my secrets. However there were also things that I mourned in our long term relationship. Things that I kept to myself because they made me feel perplexed and ungrateful; things that made me feel selfish and guilty. I would think with a mixture of remorse and longing, about never having another first kiss, never feel those initial pangs of anticipation, those butterflies. I lived with those feelings because I believed those are the sacrifices made for the security of marriage. And that worked…until it didn’t. That’s when things got difficult but rather than call it quits on the marriage I was struggling with, I decided to have a very difficult conversation with my spouse.
My husband has his own thoughts and feelings about why he believes “monogamy is bullshit” and I’ll leave it up to him to talk about that if and when he ever wants to. (Man I would totally read that blog!!) What I want you to know is that this is not a choice I made unilaterally. It was something we talked about A LOT and it is something we continue to talk about every day. I cannot overemphasize how important communication is in our relationship. This doesn’t mean we don’t have our moments, we certainly have days when our communication is off. We are humans and have flaws and insecurities. We just keep working at it one day at a time.
Then of course there is my boyfriend. He is pretty great human. He does not identify as poly AND he is long distance so there is a steep learning curve for us. Yet again communication is the name of our game. The guys know each other, they are friends who respect each other. This goes a long way to making life much easier for all of us. We are all learning and growing but the most important thing is that we are all happy. No it’s not the happily ever after that I imagined as a little girl but it is happy, very very happy.